So… I was reading some online reviews for restaurants & bars just the other day, with some wildly misplaced faith in the power of the collective experience & intellect, to ascertain whether the new restaurant we were heading to was any good. By the end of 10 mins, I knew little to nothing about the food at the hot new restaurant. It did, however, occur to me that there should be a method for capturing (and publishing) reviewer demographics. Just so one can put the reviews in perspective, y'know, and go straight to the correct section (informative, entertaining, bizarre & demented... you catch my drift) instead of trying to sift through reviews that begin with "OMG, this was the worst dinner EVER. Broke my stiletto heel on the pavement right outside, and the homeless did NOTHING to help me. I'm like, WTF?!... blah blah" to find out whether the gnocchi was fluffy enough. I have concluded that MOST reviews for eating or drinking establishments don’t even purport to address anything related to the wares offered by the business. As an example, most restaurant reviews are about the date that brought them there, the dishiness quotient of the server, the fact that the neighboring table was too loud or having a much better time than the reviewer, etc etc. Anyway, I digress. I'm thinking that the demographics should be slotted according to criteria more apt & contemporary than the usual yawn-inducing age/education/salary ones, as these review sites have proven that none of those can guarantee a brain or the ability to put it to use. Perhaps some options such as these?
- I'm a generally malcontent cow...check out my other reviews for a real dose of bile. Nothing could make me happy. When I'm not writing these reviews, I am seething about why nobody will date me.
- I like to put down "I work in this industry" in my reviews to gain credibility, but what I really mean is that I'm the ONLY ONE who works in this industry. The rest of the lazy fucks are just out to get my overtime pay. Which I would achieve in just the time it takes me to turn one order around
- I have daddy issues and/or will do ANYTHING for the attention I was denied in my childhood/youth. This needlessly slutty review for a gelato shop is just the tip of the iceberg
- Wait, this ISN'T a dating site? Really? So I shouldn't mention that I am single, fabulous, and hint at my amazing sexual vigor in every post?
- Nobody caters to me in this new city, esp. not the merchants. I want my mommy!!
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