Pet Peeve #1 (observations somewhat particular to my adopted country...US)

Yes, I know I haven't updated this since Jan...there's no reason for you to continue your friendly reminders, thank you. The problem is that there is too much to write, and too little. While I collect my thoughts and post what I think is communicable via the written word and my limited abilities, I will leave you with a post about a pet peeve that I just had to get out of my system.

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Girls/ Guys nights out

Americans are often seen excitedly planning such endeavors. However, to some, this is a concept about as confounding as the mating lives of sex-changing insects. Although it may seem that simply being chromosomically pre-disposed may qualify one for such an event, don’t be fooled… as with most other things in life, Americans like to complicate the logistics to the point of generating stress (an American favorite, as states of mind go. One just hasn’t arrived in life until one is stressed enough to beat it with yoga and transcendental meditation and thereafter pontificate about it). Much is made of whom to invite (as the pressure to ensure harmony in group dynamics are an important contribution to the stress that must be beat), and where to go. As most people living in North America will have been to one of these, or are likely to be invited at least once (or, God forbid, asked to arrange them), here are some pointers:

- Dinner is expected to be at a place a bit more upper echelon than any of the attendees would normally frequent, so as to trumpet one’s success through the ability to waste money on mediocre food and snobby service (this will later be referred to as being “an authentic Paris experience” or the like). A “risqué” touch, like cross-dressing waiters would pretty much immortalize the experience well into the set-in of Alzheimer’s.

- One is expected to dress well. As in: you can’t go as you normally would, with your normal set of friends. Girls nights out require showing some skin; guys are expected to play it cool, “hipster”, or sharp depending on the neighborhood & other attendees. Yes, deodorant is a must.

- The venue for après-food alcohol-induced obliteration cannot be the dive bar with 124 beers on tap where they know your name & preference. It has to be a glitzy spot (the newer the better, so the group can subsequently announce themselves as trendsetters) where one can be guaranteed that >60% of the population is not there for the music or the award-winning selection of alcohol, and that you will not escape without irreversible damage to your hearing.

More often than not, the ostensible point of a night out is to catch up with your friends (perplexingly, often people that you see every other week anyway), but don't let that side-track you. Very little conversation actually happens, as one is already deaf, and required to be constantly scanning the room for potential d/m-ating material. One might argue that attendees are normally individuals who already have a partner (“significant other” (SO), as Americans like to put it), possibly out on a similar night out, and cheating is one of the taboo things that today’s society seems somewhat agreed on, but the point is not that of an actual hook-up… the point is to treat the experience like a zoo visit as opposed to the wilderness. After the viewing hours are over, most will return home having felt the pleasing ego-stroke of validated hotness. Or a renewed appreciation for the snoring oaf in bed. Please note that should a member of the group be engaged by an unassociated party, one is required to stand there by their side to “support” them through the episode to the bitter end. Yawning, or attempting to bring an end to the conversation by bringing up the futility of this exchange because of current SO is an absolute no-no.
When invited to such an event, one must immediately feign extreme interest and express thanks for the invite with much enthusiasm. Follow all pointers, and at a later hour, agree with other members of the group that a particularly scruffy musician or unctuous waiter that you’d bet hadn’t showered in decades is the epitome of hotness.
For women, subsequent benefits of acquaintances acquired at such events include not being left alone at times of breakups or homesickness (blessing for some; curse for others), high attendance at bridal & baby showers (and expensive gifts to out-do each other), and potential entertainment from watching generally amusing behavior in random social settings.
Men may well acquire new wingmen, and potential helpers for the next move involving furniture.