The EndUp: At what other “open to the public” club else can you end up (hehehe) for the whole weekend without break, with your ecstasy-procured 10 closest friends du jour? Oh, and where else can you experience the joy of someone expressing their interest by sleazing up to you and humping your leg on the dance floor? Oh yeah. Feel the love.
Farmers markets & sustainable consumerism: Since I got on this organic/local food bandwagon (you know how these things happen as you get older and are badgered into being more "aware" of the environment, and supporting the local farmers, etc. etc.), I try to drag my hung-over ass to this market on saturdays in the mid-mornings to endure the throngs of tourists who ogle and sample, yet hang on to their money with the ferocious tenacity that PK’s dog displays towards sticking his muzzle into guests’ crotches. Now this place can test one’s patience… for instance, if one more Martha-wannabe (Martha the food empire queen, not Martha the felon) tries to make suggestions to me like: "toast some crusty day old bread, top with some fromage blanc, green garlic, and a sprinkling of tarragon, and you have a quick and delicious snack. You can also choose to put some herbed goat cheese, warren pears, and candied walnuts on sesame baguette instead", I am going to flip the hell out. I go to this market for various reasons... listening to these smug earth mother types dole out ooh-la-la kind of gourmet friggin' recipes that I will likely NEVER be able to identify or dredge up the ingredients for is NOT one of them! Just sell me the goddamn fruits and save the Martha act for someone who puts their opposing thumbs to good use in the kitchen.
(Now that we are on the topic of markets) Rainbow Groceries: This place should be a must-visit for any tourist to really know SF. It is the poster child for every health buzzword ever. E-V-E-R. 100% vegetarian, organic, bio-dynamic, sustainable, free trade, responsible farming practice generated, wholesome, supportive of women organizations in Ghana… find one that it doesn’t exemplify, I challenge you. It houses magazines such as “midwifery today”. Everyone brings their own containers and avoids using plastic bags. It whispers seductively to me to be a better person than the unworthy skank mired in processed foods that I have no doubt been judged as in this temple. I’ve resisted it for well over 5 years.
“Unique” style: The fashions here are so retro that fashion mags haven’t even caught up yet. Some of the stuff that comes out on SF streets was put into the bin for a reason decades ago. Other places revere Cavalli, Kors & Prada; in SF, it's vintage all the way, baby... if it's not been used by someone unknown prior to you, it just doesn't have enough character. If this stuff is not on display in the mission, wait for it to emerge during love parade, or Burning Man decompression.
EVERYONE is saving the planet: Especially those who essentially don’t have a choice but don't like to admit it. Basically, it’s an unspoken crime in SF to drive a car. Pedestrians give you attitude. Cyclists give you attitude. Even dogs give you attitude. Because you (yes, YOU, you asshole who works 30 miles away in a regular corporate job in an area with the shittiest public transportation in all of the first world) should really find a more responsible way to commute, and stop this war on the middle east, you heinous bitch! We are as up in arms about this saving the planet stuff as Sweden except we are too busy making sure we persecute those who we perceive are not doing enough to actually do more ourselves.
“Missed connections” on Craigslist: Because, well, apparently the dating habits of the young and restless now require you to do diddly squat at the time itself, but rush home and post what you’d like to do to the object of your desire on the bus for all and sundry to read. The posts almost always contain a nugget such as “our eyes met, you seemed as keen to reach out as I did” (maybe s/he was looking for a less crowded spot?), and “let’s get a coffee/drink and get to know each other”. Seriously?? Did you put all 3 of your brain cells together and think this could work? Does anyone ever succeed with those posts? You could be an axe murderer, dude! As it is, in SF, there is a 98% chance that you are into something weird that 98% of the rest of humanity is not. The only thing it would encourage me to do is stop taking the bus with creepy fuckers like that on it.
It’s a city with high regard for religion & spirituality: Running behind on bible study or Sunday school? Fear not… step out onto Market street, where you can be assured that every second being on the street is highly likely to jump out in front of you and recite some part of it. Or shake their head and laugh maniacally. Well, religion HAS been known to affect people in different ways. As for spirituality, no other city in the US aside from possibly NYC & LA (I don’t have the stats, sorry) has more meditation and/or yoga studios and options for kinky sex/orgies than SF. All paths to spiritual salvation are covered.
Food takes center stage: Let’s face it, aside from NYC (where it’s still not possible to claim that the food is from the restaurant’s own garden!) there is no city/state where nature’s bounty and the “everything goes” attitude of the average denizen allows the food to be of this quality and provide this abundance of choice (including some that don’t quite work, but what the hell).
There is no CSI: San Fransisco!!!! [although... can you even imagine what that team would be like? My guess would be 3 stoned nerds (moonlighting as detectives because their real jobs are in the s/w industry, obviously) pontificating the metaphysical aspects of the murder, with a "crystal therapy consultant" flown in from LA, a "healing masseuse" from the Mission, the tamale lady (for munchies, yo!), and a hot Marina chick thrown in simply to balance out the looks equation.]
Riveting events like these are commonplace:
- “Dreaming Awake: How James Joyce Invented Experimental Cinema and Disguised it as a Book”
- “Jim Douglass: Gandhi and the Unspeakable: Why He Died and Why it Matters” in which this gent (also has authored four other books including 'The Nonviolent Coming of God.') will provide us enlightenment around the unrecognized history behind Gandhi's assassination and how that provides a key to understanding the later murders of John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr., and the unspeakable targeting of a nonviolent vision today.”
It’s a city that’s militant about being tolerant: You cannot voice your less than enthusiastic opinion about A-N-Y issue, race, lifestyle, charity/cause, domesticated animal (you get the point)…ever ever. If you’re not going to open your mouth to gush about peace, love, tolerance and the importance of applying that indiscriminately in all aforementioned topics, depart the scene before you are lynched by an angry mob of do-gooders out to save everything under the sun. For instance, a casual statement such as “well, if this species is in its natural habitat and still requires this much help to survive from non-profit organizations while other species have adapted, maybe Darwin is calling?” will not win you any friends. Not even at the beer garden. Being called a cynic of the attempted socialist utopia in SF may well be worse than other curses beginning with the same alphabet.
And some other reasons...
