Now and again, I am confronted by a situation that is seemingly benign and ordinary, but irritates the living daylights out of me. Maybe I'm alone in feeling this, but I think not. Situation? Being single at a gathering full of couples or one half of a couple. We all know how this goes... the following questions/comments are inevitable:
- "is that (being single) a relatively new development?": W-H-Y do people ask this fucking question? Is being single the new cancer -- are they trying to ascertain how long I have left?
- "what are you looking for?": Do people really (I mean, REALLY) expect an answer to this? By the time the answer leaves your mouth, it may as well be a high pitched keening sound, for all the attention that'll be paid to it. This is largely because most people only ask that question in order to set the stage for the next statement. They're already on a mission... this is the social equivalent of the "how're you doing?" while walking away at a rapid pace, popular in the American workplace.
- "I have just the right person for you": Don't let the conversation get to this stage. You've been warned. Without fail, by the time this one is uttered, it's too late to issue the "I'm really not looking for anyone". This is the biggest lie of all, at least about 99.9% of the time, if not more. Through enough data points, I have gathered that if you fall for this one, the disaster will be two-fold:
-- you will find out what this "friend" actually thinks of you, to have set you up with an insanely boring slug. You will find it impossible to think affectionately about said friend ever again.
-- Insanely boring slugs are supremely difficult to rid oneself of. Or maybe it just seems like a lifetime.
If one is single, and comfortable with the status for the most part, it is absolutely critical that any attempt to discuss ANYTHING leading to a fix-up is nipped in the bud. Immediately, if not sooner. Examples of such topics include: discussions around potential change in housing situation (rent v. buy), holidays, families, flex hours at work, 4 door sedans, crime stats in your neighborhood, your preference for a 2 bedroom place, your age, etc. Obviously, it's not possible to avoid any and all topics...for instance: the last time I went to see a dentist, I was invited to a singles party by the dentist, even though I'm pretty sure I made only gurgling noises throughout our interaction...go figure.
On a more curious note, what is it about being single that attracts this immeasurable altruism in people one may have only just met? Isn't it ok to just be by yourself? Is it absolutely necessary to be validated in the eyes of the generalissimo by the fact that someone is in a relationship with you? And why the fuck should one have to endure random/clumsy passes simply due to being single (or risk being sulked at for ages) -- is this some sort of civic duty that I haven't heard about...an extra tax levied on the unattached? This is a (not so) mild form of harassment -- make it stop!!
